What Headship Actually Means
"The husband is the head of the wife" (Ephesians 5:23).
For most of my life, I understood this verse to mean that husbands are the CEOs of their families—the ones with final authority, the decision-makers, the ones in charge. But a deeper study of the Greek word for "head" (kephalē) revealed something that transformed my entire understanding of marriage and leadership.
What if "head" doesn't mean "authority over" but rather "source of life and unity"?
The Head of a River
When biblical scholars study how the word kephalē was used in ancient Greek literature, they find something fascinating: it was rarely used to denote authority or rule. Instead, it most commonly meant "source"—like the head of a river.
Think about a river's head. It doesn't control or dominate the river—it's the source from which life-giving water flows. The head serves the river by providing what it needs to flourish. Remove the head, and the river dies. But the head exists for the river's benefit, not the other way around.
This understanding transforms our entire paradigm of headship from dominance to service, from control to empowerment.
The Head and Body Metaphor
Paul deliberately uses head and body imagery when describing Christ's relationship to the church and the husband's relationship to his wife. This metaphor is crucial because in Greek culture, the head and body represented unity, not hierarchy.
Think about your physical head and body. Does your head dominate your body? Of course not. They work together as one integrated being. Your head serves your body by processing information and making decisions that benefit the whole. Meanwhile, your body serves your head by providing mobility and executing its decisions.
You can't have a head without a body—that's just a skull. You can't have a body without a head—that's a corpse. They're interdependent parts of one unified whole.
When Paul says the husband is the "head" of the wife, he's not establishing a chain of command. He's describing the profound unity that should characterize marriage—two becoming so "one" that it's hard to know where one stops and the other begins.
Christ as Our Model
The passage becomes even clearer when we look at how Christ functions as the "head" of the church. Jesus never lorded His authority over His followers. Instead, He consistently demonstrated servant leadership:
He washed their feet rather than expecting to be served
He laid down His life to lift them up
He empowered them to do "greater works" than He did
He called them friends, not servants
He equipped them for ministry rather than keeping them dependent
As I write in BLIND SPOT, "Christ as the head of the church demonstrated headship by laying His life down to lift her up, to empower her, and to create a place where they could have a relationship."
This is the model Paul gives husbands. Their "headship" should look exactly like Christ's—sacrificial, empowering, life-giving.
The Trinity as Our Template
Perhaps the most beautiful example of this kind of "headship" is found in the Trinity itself. In some mysterious way, Jesus is described as coming from the Father, and the Holy Spirit proceeds from both. Yet this doesn't create a hierarchy within the Godhead.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit exist in perfect unity—what theologians call perichoresis, a kind of "circle dance" where they flow in and out of relationship with mutual honor, mutual submission, and mutual love. There's no power struggle, no competition, no need for one to dominate the others.
This is the template for Kingdom relationships. Not pyramid-style hierarchy where power flows in one direction, but circle-style partnership where power flows in all directions through love.
What True Headship Looks Like
In my marriage with Gregory, I've experienced what biblical headship actually looks like. Gregory approaches our relationship with the mindset Jesus described: "I came not to be served, but to serve" (Matthew 20:28).
His "headship" means:
Creating space for me to flourish rather than controlling what I do
Facilitating my empowerment rather than maintaining dependence
Listening to my wisdom rather than dismissing my input
Supporting my calling even when it challenges traditional gender roles
Building consensus rather than making unilateral decisions
As I describe in BLIND SPOT: "Gregory is always lifting me up, encouraging me to be and do all that God has put in my heart. This even includes teaching the world that men don't have a God-given right to rule over women."
Gregory's strength isn't threatened by our mutual submission—it's channeled into protection and empowerment rather than control. He's not less of a man; he's more fully human as he reflects Christ's self-giving love.
The Producer, Not the Star
One helpful analogy is to think of biblical headship like a Broadway producer rather than the lead actor. The producer's job isn't to be on stage receiving applause—it's to create an environment where everyone else can shine in their starring roles.
A good producer:
Facilitates rather than dominates
Empowers others to use their gifts fully
Works mostly behind the scenes
Measures success by others' flourishing
Creates space for others to become everything God created them to be
This is radically different from the "CEO model" of headship that many have been taught, where the husband makes final decisions and everyone else serves his vision.
Not About Final Authority
One of the most common questions I hear is: "But if everyone is submitting to everyone, who makes the final decisions? Someone has to be in charge!"
This question reveals how deeply we've been influenced by worldly power structures. We struggle to imagine decision-making outside a hierarchy where someone must have "final authority."
But in Kingdom relationships, the question isn't "Who has the final say?" but "How can we find God's wisdom together?" This might mean:
Waiting for clarity rather than forcing decisions
Seeking consensus through prayer and dialogue
Deferring to each other's expertise in different areas
Making decisions together that both partners fully own and support
Gregory and I have learned that when we can't agree on important matters, it usually means we're both missing something. We wait, pray, and trust that God will guide us to unity rather than resorting to "the husband decides."
This approach doesn't create chaos—it creates resilience. Decisions made through mutual wisdom and agreement are typically better decisions than those made through unilateral authority.
The Source of Life
When I think of Gregory as the "head" of our marriage in the biblical sense, I don't think of him as my boss or ruler. I think of him as a source of life, encouragement, and empowerment—just as Christ is for the church.
Through his self-giving love, Gregory creates an environment where I can become everything God created me to be. His "headship" doesn't diminish me—it empowers me. It doesn't silence my voice—it amplifies it. It doesn't control me—it liberates me to live freely in love.
And the beautiful thing is, this creates a reciprocal cycle. His sacrificial love makes me want to love him more deeply in return. His empowerment of me inspires me to build him up as well. His service to me motivates me to serve him joyfully.
This is the circle dance Paul describes in Ephesians 5—husbands loving like Christ, wives responding with respect and honor, both flowing together in mutual submission that reflects the very nature of God.
A Revolution in Relationships
Understanding headship as source rather than authority doesn't just change marriages—it transforms our entire approach to leadership and relationships.
In Kingdom leadership:
Authority exists to serve, not to be served
Power flows through love, not force
Leadership means lifting others up, not staying on top
Success is measured by others' flourishing, not personal advancement
Relationships are partnerships, not hierarchies
This is the revolution Jesus brought to the world. This is the Kingdom reality that turns worldly power structures upside down. And this is the truth that's been hiding in plain sight in Ephesians 5 all along.
The husband is indeed the "head" of the wife—not as her ruler, but as her source of empowerment, just as Christ is the head of the church. This isn't about who's in charge; it's about who's willing to lay down their life to lift the other up.
That's what real headship looks like. And when both partners embrace this understanding, marriage becomes a beautiful reflection of the Trinity itself—unity in diversity, strength through service, and power released through love.
Blessings,
Susan 😊