When Church Discipline Becomes Spiritual Abuse: Rethinking Matthew 18

There's a conversation I never thought I'd have to have again. After years of walking away from the legalistic, judiciary-driven church systems that nearly destroyed my faith, I find myself revisiting the very passages that were weaponized against countless victims—including myself.

Matthew 18. Church discipline. Confrontation protocols. These concepts still make my stomach tighten, even after all these years of healing. But here's what I've learned: when we misapply Scripture to force victims into direct confrontation with their abusers, we're not practicing biblical discipline—we're perpetuating spiritual abuse.

The Weight of My Past

I spent years in systems where everything had to be "done right" according to rigid interpretations of biblical authority. We had regulations, protocols, and a desperate need to handle each case the same way to prove our consistency. The church became a judiciary, and I was complicit in it.

I believed we were being faithful to Scripture. I thought we were protecting the integrity of the church. What I didn't realize was that we were actually protecting the system at the expense of the people—especially the most vulnerable among us.

When someone came forward with concerns about abuse or mistreatment, our first instinct wasn't to believe them or ensure their safety. It was to make sure they had followed the proper biblical procedures. Had they gone to their abuser first? Had they brought witnesses? Were they being submissive and respectful in their approach?

We turned Matthew 18 into a weapon that silenced victims and shielded predators.

The Misapplication of Matthew 18

Let's look at what Jesus actually said in Matthew 18:15-17:

"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." (NIV)

Here's what we missed: Jesus is talking about conflict resolution between brothers and sisters in Christ who have equal power in the relationship. He's addressing situations where both parties genuinely want to work things out, where both are committed to restoration and reconciliation.

Matthew 18 was never intended for situations involving abuse, predatory behavior, or significant power imbalances. It doesn't work when you have an abuser because abusers don't operate in good faith. They manipulate, gaslight, and use every opportunity to regain control over their victims.

When Confrontation Becomes Retraumatization

Picture this scenario: A woman gathers the courage to tell church leadership that her husband has been emotionally and psychologically abusing her for years. Instead of immediately ensuring her safety and believing her story, the leaders tell her she needs to go back and confront him privately first—because that's what Matthew 18 requires.

They're essentially sending a wounded sheep back to the wolf and calling it biblical.

This approach:

• Puts the victim in further danger by alerting the abuser that their behavior has been exposed

• Gives the abuser opportunity to escalate their control or manipulation

• Retraumatizes the victim by forcing them into a confrontation they're not equipped to handle

• Assumes equal power dynamics that simply don't exist in abusive relationships

The victim often knows their abuser better than anyone else. If they're avoiding direct confrontation, there's usually a very good reason.

A Different Paradigm: Protection Over Process

What if instead of asking "Did you follow the proper biblical procedure?" we asked "Are you safe? How can we protect you?"

What if our first response to reports of abuse was to believe, investigate, and ensure safety rather than to send people back into harm's way?

When someone tells us they're being abused, we're not dealing with a simple interpersonal conflict between equals. We're dealing with a predator-prey dynamic that requires a completely different response.

Consider how Jesus himself handled abusive religious leaders. He didn't send the common people back to confront the Pharisees privately. He publicly exposed their hypocrisy and warned people to be on guard against them. He called them "wolves in sheep's clothing" and told people to avoid them (Matthew 7:15, NIV).

What About Accountability?

This doesn't mean we abandon the concept of accountability or confrontation entirely. It means we apply biblical principles wisely, considering context, power dynamics, and safety.

True accountability:

• Happens between equals who both have voice and choice in the relationship

• Prioritizes safety over maintaining appearances

• Believes victims and takes their concerns seriously

• Addresses patterns of harm rather than isolated incidents

• Focuses on protection of the vulnerable rather than preservation of the institution

When dealing with abusive behavior, our biblical mandate is clear: "Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked" (Psalm 82:3-4, NIV).

A Grace-Based Approach to Community Health

So what does healthy church discipline look like? It starts with creating truly safe spaces where people can speak truth without fear of retaliation or retraumatization.

For Leaders:

• Develop clear policies for handling reports of abuse that prioritize victim safety

• Train your team to recognize the difference between conflict and abuse

• Partner with qualified counselors and legal experts when needed

• Create multiple reporting channels so victims don't have to approach their abuser's friends

• Remember that your first duty is to protect the vulnerable, not preserve reputations

For Communities:

• Foster cultures where "one anothering" replaces top-down control

• Teach people to recognize healthy versus unhealthy relationship dynamics

• Support victims in their healing journey without pressuring them to reconcile

• Hold space for the complex emotions that come with leaving abusive situations

Honor Without Honesty is Dishonor

Here's something I learned through my own painful journey: honor without honesty is actually dishonor. When we refuse to honestly acknowledge abuse and instead pressure people to maintain a pretense of unity, we're not honoring God or each other—we're enabling evil to continue.

True honor requires us to honestly confront harmful behavior and protect those who cannot protect themselves. It requires us to value people over institutions, safety over appearances, truth over comfort.

Moving Forward in Grace

I'll be honest with you—I almost walked away from church entirely rather than return to the legalistic systems that nearly destroyed me. The thought of Matthew 18 being weaponized against victims still makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

But what I've discovered is that the problem isn't with Jesus' teaching—it's with our misapplication of it. When we apply Scripture within its proper context, considering the heart of God for justice and protection of the oppressed, we find ourselves equipped to create truly safe communities.

The goal isn't to abandon accountability or biblical authority. The goal is to ensure that our application of Scripture reflects the heart of Christ—who consistently defended the vulnerable, exposed abusive religious leaders, and created space for healing and restoration.

God's Kingdom operates on principles of mutual submission, sacrificial love, and protection of the weak. When our church discipline reflects these values rather than worldly power structures, we create environments where people can flourish rather than merely survive.

The question isn't whether we'll have difficult conversations about harmful behavior. The question is whether we'll have them in ways that reflect Christ's love for both justice and mercy.

Let's commit to building communities where Matthew 18 serves its intended purpose—restoration between equals—while also having the wisdom to recognize when we're dealing with predatory behavior that requires a completely different response.

Because honor without honesty truly is dishonor. And our God calls us to something far better than that.

Blessings,
Susan 😊