When 'Clarity Brings Power' - Why We Must Name Abuse in the Church
Here's a statistic that should stop every Christian leader in their tracks: Churches have the same rates of abuse as secular communities.
Let that sink in. Despite believing in Jesus, despite preaching love and redemption, despite calling ourselves transformed—we haven't created safer spaces just because we have faith.
Why? Because we don't have the language to identify abuse when we see it.
The Dangerous Line We Draw
For years, I lived by what I now recognize as a completely ridiculous standard: "If there are no bruises, it's not abuse."
I don't even know where I picked up this twisted logic. Probably from hearing others ask victims, "Well, did he hit you?" as if visible injuries were the only proof that counted. It's the same toxic thinking that asks rape victims, "What were you wearing?" as if somehow the victim bears responsibility for the violence inflicted on them.
But here's what the statistics tell us: Only one to four percent of sexual abuse cases turn out to be false accusations. That means 95-99% of people who claim abuse are telling the truth. Most people don't make this stuff up. It's shameful, traumatic, and devastating to even bring up. So when someone musters the courage to speak, we should listen.
Yet because we lack clarity about what abuse actually looks like, we dismiss, minimize, and re-victimize those who are already suffering.
When "God's Design" Becomes a Weapon
The most insidious form of abuse in Christian communities happens when spiritual language gets weaponized. I've heard it countless times:
"This is God's design for marriage"
"You need to submit more"
"God hates divorce"
"Pray harder and trust Him to change your husband"
How do you argue with "God's design"? How do you push back against someone using Scripture to silence you?
This is why clarity brings power. When we can name the 13 patterns of abuse—emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, sexual, psychological, and more—we strip away the religious language that keeps victims trapped in darkness.
It's About Patterns, Not Isolated Incidents
One rude comment doesn't make someone abusive. One bad day doesn't create an abusive relationship. We're talking about systems and patterns designed to control and manipulate.
It's the pattern where every time you try to express an opinion, you're told you're wrong. It's the system where your every penny is monitored while your spouse spends freely. It's the environment where you're constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of setting off another explosion.
As I learned the hard way, abuse doesn't always leave physical marks. But it always leaves you feeling powerless, confused, and isolated. It makes you question your own perception of reality.
The Blind Spot I Lived In
I spent years counseling other people going through "difficult marriages" while completely blind to my own abusive situation. When people would try to talk to me about their relationships, I'd find myself just as confused as they were, trying to assess: "Are they okay? Do I need to help them get out? Are they just being unforgiving?"
I didn't know where the line was because I didn't have the language. All I could say about my own situation was, "He's mean. He's a jerk. He's unreasonable. He's unpredictable."
Sound familiar? How many women have sat across from you describing their husband as "just mean" while you—and they—missed the bigger picture?
The Cost of Our Ignorance
Our failure to recognize and name abuse has devastating consequences:
Victims suffer in silence, believing their situation is normal or deserved
Children grow up thinking these patterns are how relationships work
Perpetrators face no accountability because no one calls out their behavior
The Church's witness is damaged as we enable the very behaviors Christ came to transform
Most abuse victims never come forward. And most perpetrators know they won't. This creates horrific cycles that continue to destroy families and communities while we sing songs about God's love on Sunday mornings.
Where There's Confusion, Evil Thrives
One thing I learned through my own journey is this truth: where there's a lack of clarity, evil spirits roam freely.
Confusion breeds every evil thing. When victims can't name what's happening to them, when they question their own perceptions, when they're told their pain isn't real—darkness has the perfect environment to flourish.
But when we bring truth into the light, when we call things by their right names, when we give people language for their experience—that's when breakthrough becomes possible.
The Assessment Tools We Need
If you're reading this and wondering whether you or someone you love might be experiencing abuse, there are resources available. Sarah McDougall from Wilderness to Wild recommends two assessments created by Jacqueline Campbell:
The Mosaic Threat Assessment - Evaluates your current level of danger
The Danger and Lethality Assessment - Determines if you're in potentially lethal danger
These tools can help you move from confusion to clarity about your situation.
A Call to Action for the Church
It's time for churches to become educated about abuse patterns. It's time for pastors to stop giving advice like "submit more" and "pray harder" when someone reports being controlled and manipulated.
It's time for us to create truly safe spaces—not just because we believe in Jesus, but because we're willing to do the hard work of learning how evil operates and how to combat it effectively.
The truth really does set us free. But first, we have to be willing to see it clearly.
Remember: if you're in immediate danger, call 911. If you need help creating a safety plan, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You don't have to figure this out alone.
Clarity brings power. And that power can save lives—including your own.
Blessings,
Susan 😊