The Language of Partnership: When "Helping" Isn't Actually Helping
"I wanted to help you out."
Five little words that stopped me in my tracks. Gregory had just unloaded the dishwasher while I was editing one of his daily devotionals, and when I returned to the kitchen, he made this innocent comment.
Now, let me be clear—Gregory is probably one of the greatest advocates for gender equality you'll ever meet. He's spent years supporting my ministry that literally challenges male authority. He lifts me up, encourages me to pursue everything God has put in my heart, and has never once used his considerable physical presence to intimidate or control me. He's the real deal.
But in that moment, five little words revealed how deeply ingrained our cultural programming really is.
"Help me out?" I gently questioned. He immediately caught himself: "Help us out. It's not your job—it's our job."
Words Matter More Than We Think
This wasn't about being pedantic or "gotcha" moments in marriage. This was about recognizing how language shapes reality—and how even well-intentioned people can unconsciously perpetuate systems they intellectually reject.
When we say a husband is "helping" with dishes, laundry, or childcare, we're implicitly communicating that these tasks primarily belong to someone else. We're suggesting that one person owns the responsibility while the other occasionally assists out of kindness.
But that's not partnership—that's charity.
The Hidden Message in "Helping"
Think about the last time someone said they were "helping" you at work. Probably it was either:
A subordinate stepping outside their normal duties, or
A colleague temporarily taking on tasks that weren't their responsibility
Notice what's missing? We don't usually say we're "helping" with our own job responsibilities. We don't "help" with tasks we own.
When spouses talk about "helping" each other with household tasks, they're unconsciously dividing ownership. The dishes become "her" responsibility that he occasionally assists with. Yard work becomes "his" job that she sometimes helps with. Even when both people are working full-time, even when both people live in the house and create the mess, the mental division remains.
The Scorekeeper's Dilemma
This language creates a dangerous dynamic: the scorekeeper mentality. When someone is "helping" you, there's an implicit expectation of gratitude. After all, they're going above and beyond their normal duties, right?
I know countless women who feel obligated to thank their husbands for "helping" with their own children or "helping" around their own house. Meanwhile, these same women rarely receive thanks for cooking dinner, doing laundry, or managing the family calendar—because those tasks are assumed to be "theirs."
This imbalance doesn't create partnership; it creates resentment on both sides. The "helper" feels unappreciated when their extra efforts aren't acknowledged. The "owner" of the task feels frustrated by having to express gratitude for what should be shared responsibility.
The Partnership Alternative
In a true partnership—whether business or marriage—language reflects shared ownership. Partners don't "help" each other with company responsibilities; they each contribute to the shared enterprise based on their strengths, availability, and what serves the common goal.
Gregory and I have been working toward this model for years, but we still catch ourselves slipping into old patterns. The beautiful thing is that we're both committed to catching and correcting these moments when they happen.
Instead of "helping with the dishes," we talk about "taking care of our kitchen." Instead of one person "helping" with childcare, we're both "parenting our granddaughter." Instead of dividing tasks by gender, we divide them by gifting, availability, and what makes sense for our family in each season.
When Appreciation Becomes Natural
Here's the beautiful irony: when you move from a "helping" model to a partnership model, gratitude actually increases. When Gregory takes care of something around the house, I don't thank him because he "helped me"—I thank him because I appreciate what he contributed to our shared life. The gratitude is genuine rather than obligatory.
Similarly, when I handle financial planning or real estate contracts, he doesn't thank me for "helping him" but for contributing my gifts to our partnership. We both feel valued for what we bring rather than credited for going beyond our "assigned" roles.
The Ripple Effect
This shift in language reflects a deeper shift in thinking—one that has implications far beyond household chores. When we truly embrace partnership language, we:
Stop keeping score of who does what
Start appreciating each other's unique contributions
Recognize that both people are responsible for the family's wellbeing
Create space for flexibility as seasons change
Model healthy relationships for our children
Most importantly, we start living out the biblical principle of mutual submission in practical, daily ways.
Breaking the Cycle
If you recognize this pattern in your own relationship, start with awareness. Notice when you or your spouse uses "helping" language around shared responsibilities. It's not about becoming the language police—it's about recognizing how our words reveal our unconscious assumptions.
Then, gently begin shifting the conversation:
Instead of "Thanks for helping with dinner," try "Thanks for taking care of dinner tonight."
Instead of "Can you help me with the kids?" try "Can you handle the kids while I...?"
Instead of "I need help with..." try "Can you take care of...?" or "Can we tackle this together?"
These might seem like small changes, but they represent a fundamental shift from charity to partnership, from helping to shared ownership.
The Kingdom Reality
In God's Kingdom, there are no second-class citizens. There are no "helpers" and "leaders"—there are partners in the Gospel, each contributing their gifts for the common good. When we bring this reality into our marriages, we stop thinking in terms of primary and secondary roles and start thinking in terms of mutual investment in a shared vision.
The goal isn't to eliminate all division of labor—that would be inefficient and impractical. The goal is to ensure that our divisions are based on partnership principles rather than unconscious hierarchies.
A Personal Confession
I'll be honest: I still catch myself sometimes expecting Gregory to handle certain things because "that's what men do." And he still occasionally slips into "helping" language around household tasks. We're both works in progress, shaped by decades of cultural conditioning.
But that's exactly why this matters. If two people as committed to equality as we are still wrestle with these unconscious patterns, how much more do couples who haven't examined these dynamics?
The beauty is in the journey. Every time we catch ourselves and make the correction, we're choosing partnership over hierarchy, mutual submission over cultural programming, Kingdom reality over worldly systems.
And slowly but surely, our language—and our reality—is being transformed.
What language patterns have you noticed in your own relationships? How might shifting from "helping" to "partnership" change the dynamic in your home? I'd love to hear your insights and experiences.
Blessings,
Susan 😊