When the Church Gets Abuse Wrong: What Survivors Need (And What They Don't)

I'll never forget the moment when a well-meaning church leader looked me in the eye and said, "Have you considered that maybe you're not submitting enough? Perhaps if you loved him more sacrificially, showed him more respect, gave him what he needs as a man..."

The words hit like physical blows. Here I was, broken and desperate for help, and instead of safety, I received a prescription for more of what was destroying me.

Unfortunately, my experience isn't unique. Across the country, abuse survivors are walking into churches seeking refuge and walking out with additional wounds. The very people called to bind up the brokenhearted are unknowingly breaking hearts further.

Today, I want to share what I've learned about what abuse survivors actually need—and what well-meaning but misguided responses can do more harm than good.

What Doesn't Help: The Dangerous "Try Harder" Prescription

When spiritual leaders encounter domestic abuse, their first instinct is often to offer spiritual solutions. These typically sound like:

• "Pray more for your husband"

• "Submit more completely and trust God to change his heart"

• "Love him unconditionally—that's what Christ would do"

• "Have you considered what you might be doing to provoke his anger?"

• "Marriage is a covenant; God hates divorce"

• "Forgive seventy times seven"

While these responses come from sincere hearts wanting to apply biblical principles, they completely miss the nature of abuse. Abuse isn't a marriage problem that can be solved through better communication or more prayer. Abuse is a choice one person makes to maintain power and control over another.

As abuse advocate Heather Elizabeth explains, there's a crucial difference between difficult marriages, disappointing marriages, and destructive marriages. When you're dealing with the 13 patterns of abuse—physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, spiritual, financial, cultural, child abuse, pet abuse, and property destruction—you're not in a difficult marriage that needs more effort. You're in a destructive relationship that requires safety measures.

Telling an abuse victim to "try harder" is like telling someone with a broken leg to run faster. It's not just ineffective—it's harmful.

The Hidden Danger of Marriage Counseling

One of the most shocking things I learned is that marriage counseling is actually unsafe and unethical when abuse is present. I didn't know this during my first marriage, and neither do most pastors and counselors.

Here's why: abuse thrives on secrecy and control. When an abuser sits in a counseling session with their victim, several dangerous dynamics occur:

Information becomes ammunition. Everything the victim shares can and will be used against them later. The ride home becomes an opportunity for retaliation, intimidation, and further abuse.

Abusers are master manipulators. They often present as calm, reasonable, and charming while their victim appears emotional and "unstable." Many counselors end up being deceived, creating a "two against one" dynamic that further isolates the victim.

The wrong problem gets addressed. Counselors trained in conflict resolution try to help both parties communicate better and compromise. But you cannot compromise with someone whose goal is power and control.

Instead of joint counseling, each person should seek individual help. The victim needs trauma-informed support from advocates who understand abuse dynamics. The abuser needs specialized intervention that addresses their choice to use power and control—if they're genuinely willing to change, which statistically, only about one in ten are.

Moving Beyond "Hurting People Hurt People"

I used to say "hurting people hurt people" until I realized how this phrase actually enables abuse. Yes, it sounds compassionate and wise, but it creates dangerous blind spots.

The truth is, lots of hurting people go on to become healers, not harmers. Many abuse survivors use their pain to help others rather than inflict more pain. When we make blanket statements about hurting people, we:

• Minimize the choice aspect of abuse

• Give abusers excuses for their behavior

• Pressure victims to show more understanding and patience

• Avoid calling evil what it is

Scripture calls some people wolves, not just wounded sheep. Jesus himself said, "By their fruits you will know them" (Matthew 7:16, NKJV). We need wisdom to distinguish between those who sin from brokenness and are willing to repent, and those who systematically use their power to harm others.

What Survivors Actually Need

So what do abuse survivors need from their church family? Based on my own journey and conversations with countless other survivors, here's what actually helps:

Belief and validation. The first gift you can give a survivor is believing their story. Abuse victims often question their own reality due to gaslighting. Hearing "I believe you" and "This is not your fault" can begin the healing process.

Safety over preservation of marriage. God's Kingdom values people over institutions. When leaders prioritize keeping marriages together over keeping people safe, they've missed the heart of Christ who came to "bind up the brokenhearted" and "set the captives free" (Isaiah 61:1, NKJV).

Trauma-informed support. Not all counselors understand abuse dynamics. Survivors need professionals who recognize that symptoms like hypervigilance, emotional numbness, or seemingly "irrational" fears are normal responses to abnormal treatment.

Time and patience for healing. Recovery from abuse isn't linear. Survivors may need to step away from toxic religious environments while they heal. This doesn't mean they're losing their faith—it often means they're finding the real Jesus beneath the religious programming.

Practical help. Leaving an abusive situation often involves financial challenges, housing needs, legal support, and childcare. Churches can provide tangible assistance rather than just spiritual platitudes.

Creating Truly Safe Spaces

If you're in church leadership, here are some ways to create genuinely safe spaces for abuse survivors:

Get educated. Learn about abuse dynamics from organizations like Give Her Wings Academy. Understand the difference between marriage problems and abuse patterns.

Develop clear protocols. When physical or sexual abuse is disclosed, involve law enforcement immediately. Churches aren't equipped to investigate crimes or provide safety that only legal intervention can offer.

Train your team. Ensure that anyone in pastoral care roles understands trauma-informed responses and knows when to refer to specialized professionals.

Examine your theology. Are you using Scripture to keep people in harmful situations? Remember that Jesus consistently valued people over religious institutions and rules.

Partner with advocates. Connect with local domestic violence organizations and abuse advocates who can provide resources your church cannot.

The Path Forward

God's Kingdom is not about preserving appearances or maintaining institutions—it's about transformation, healing, and authentic love. When we get abuse responses right, we reflect Christ's heart for the oppressed and wounded.

As I share in my book BLIND SPOT, the Gospel isn't about keeping people in harmful situations through misapplied submission teaching. It's about the revolutionary love of Christ that values every person's dignity, safety, and well-being.

The Church has an opportunity to lead the way in supporting abuse survivors rather than re-wounding them. But this requires humility to admit we've often gotten it wrong, willingness to learn from those who understand abuse dynamics, and courage to prioritize people over institutions.

When we do this well, we become what Jesus intended—a refuge for the wounded, hope for the oppressed, and a demonstration of God's Kingdom on earth.

Blessings,
Susan 😊